mais steven wright

- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
- I was born by Caesarian section... now whenI leave a house, I go out through the window.